The Days of Lore

Save a world lately?

Tuesday, July 21st, 2009 | politiX | No Comments

If only Barack Obama could sport tights and fix everything. Whether you voted for Obama or not, this latest JibJab joint is funny—a satire of our president’s super-sized to-do list set to the tune of “When Johnny Comes Marching Home” and sung by someone trying to sound like Jack Black. So tell me, does this make Obama Batman to Dubya’s Two-Face?

Tags: "He's Barack Obama", Barack Obama, JibJab

Enter the gay-teway

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008 | politiX | No Comments

I know exactly what’s troubling Republicans and “real Americans” this election: the gateway vote. Allow me to explain.

Casting a “gateway vote” will lead us down the same shame spiral associated with so-called “gateway drugs”—alcohol leads to smoking pot which, of course, leads to the heavy use of heroin and crack cocaine.

That said, voting “No” on Prop. 8 will obviously lead to gays entering holy matrimony and having the same rights as hetero couples … the next thing you know men will be butt-fucking each other on the sidewalks in front of our children.

And finally, a vote for Barack Obama will lead to blacks making the same money as Caucasians and will ultimately result in “The Star-Spangled Banner” being replaced by “The Humpty Dance” (it’s much more fun at sporting events).

There are people for whom just the scent of pot makes them want to engage in rough anal sex with black men while listening to Digital Underground. We’re living in dangerous times, my friends … wait a second … I don’t even know you. Ladies and gentlemen—I give you our new National Anthem. Dig(g) it(t)!(!)

“The Humpty Dance” - Digital Underground

Tags: "The Humpty Dance", Barack Obama, Digital Underground, Gateway Vote, Prop. 8

CBEST: The bestest test in the West

Sunday, October 19th, 2008 | pdX, politiX | No Comments

I recently took the California Basic Education Skills Test, the standardized exam you have to pass in order to substitute teach in the fine states of California and Oregon. I even studied … the night before, because I heard that a good cram-sesh is the best for CBEST success.

I was concerned about the math portion of the test because, frankly, I haven’t thought about a multivariate polynomial or a coefficient since that glorious day I passed basic algebra in junior college almost a decade ago. But as I was boning up for the test with the handy CBEST study guide, I began focusing more on the essay section. The guide says it’s OK for potential test-takers to fabricate statistics and quotes in their essays to support their ideas. No critical thinking necessary!

So, I could write something like “Barack Obama pals around with terrorists,” or “Barack Obama is not a man who sees America the same way I see America” … and it’s perfectly acceptable (and accepted), no matter how absurd it is. And if I were really smart I could say I read The New Yorker or the Wall Street Journal instead of making a vague statement like “I read most of them” … even if it’s not true! Gosh, I am so ready to shape the young minds of America.

Tags: Barack Obama, CBEST, The New Yorker

Country first, then the galaxy!

Wednesday, October 8th, 2008 | politiX | 2 Comments

After Sarah Palin folked Americans right in their ears during the vice-presidential debate, who gives a rat’s ass what happened between Maverick John McCain (left) and Sen. Barack Obama, right?

I won’t waste space (i.e., your time) giving my pedestrian analysis on last night’s debate. You all know what happened … a whole lotta nothing. Issues aside: The thought of four years with a 72-year-old white-haired white guy and a pretty, four-eyed puppet that has the Republican arm deep inside of her manipulating her mouth, working overtime on the wink control (Jim Henson would be proud) frightens me.

McCain’s motto is “Country First.” Obama, “Change.” I have one myself: “Vote McCain, I’m off to Spain.” I will be poor. And I’ll live off of bocadillos and txacoli. And it will be perfect.

Tags: Barack Obama, debate, John McCain, Sarah Palin, Spain