The Days of Lore

I got gas

Wednesday, March 4th, 2009 | pdX, politiX | 1 Comment

[Note: The song "I Don't Wanna Go Down to the Basement" was playing while the following crime was being committed. For full effect, please click the play button below before reading.]

I was getting gas today—$1.89 a gallon in the quaint little town of Gresham—and as I sat there waiting for the attendant to fill ‘er up I noticed the truck parked in front of me. First I saw the Ruger sticker … no big deal, we all have the right to bear arms. I panned left, another sticker: “Palin 2012.” I threw up in my mouth, then panned further left. In the side rear-view mirror I could see the driver—a pink-faced, mustachioed man with a ball cap. He was looking off into the distance.

I looked down at my console. There so happened to be a black marker. I checked my surroundings. The attendant had gone off to help someone else. There was no one else around. And the man was still looking away. Calmly, casually, I grabbed the marker, opened my door and, slightly crouching, walked five feet to the rear of the truck. I acted quickly and bravely. With three adept strokes of my Magic Marker, “Palin” magically became “Stalin” and I was quickly back inside my vehicle.

[Note: The above act didn't actually take place. It did, however, run through my mind the entire time I sat there staring at that sticker ... and I was listening to the Ramones. Sub-note: I fully support people having their own varying political views. But a "Palin 2012" sticker reaches a whole different level of ridiculousness. Of course, this is coming from the grown man who just fantasized about vandalizing a Republican's truck.]

“I Don’t Wanna Go Down to the Basement” - The Ramones

Tags: Gresham, Joseph Stalin, Sarah Palin, The Ramones

Country first, then the galaxy!

Wednesday, October 8th, 2008 | politiX | 2 Comments

After Sarah Palin folked Americans right in their ears during the vice-presidential debate, who gives a rat’s ass what happened between Maverick John McCain (left) and Sen. Barack Obama, right?

I won’t waste space (i.e., your time) giving my pedestrian analysis on last night’s debate. You all know what happened … a whole lotta nothing. Issues aside: The thought of four years with a 72-year-old white-haired white guy and a pretty, four-eyed puppet that has the Republican arm deep inside of her manipulating her mouth, working overtime on the wink control (Jim Henson would be proud) frightens me.

McCain’s motto is “Country First.” Obama, “Change.” I have one myself: “Vote McCain, I’m off to Spain.” I will be poor. And I’ll live off of bocadillos and txacoli. And it will be perfect.

Tags: Barack Obama, debate, John McCain, Sarah Palin, Spain

A hockey mom walks into a soccer match …

Saturday, October 4th, 2008 | politiX | 2 Comments

I watched the recent debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin at a local pub. Now, I had my reservations about watching it with a group of people … at a bar: “It’ll be like going to a soccer match at a European pub,” I thought.

… And it was. People watched as some chattered, then a huge cheers when she said something in her folksy little way, or winked at the camera. Me? Palin can tell me that a 15-year-old girl raped by her father must keep the baby any time, as long as she’s peering from behind those glasses and follows it with a wink.  The glasses-wink-combo is lethal. Watch out, America … soon you’ll be under her spell!

The more beers the debate-goers had, the louder the cheering got. I have the same beliefs as most of these people, and I still wanted to smack them … especially the bearded ones who looked like me.

The event itself was a little lackluster. I kept waiting to hear something that might sway the swing voter. Instead we got a by-the-numbers debate, with Palin sticking to the talking points while managing not to fall on her beautiful, heavily rouged face.

I’d credit Palin’s performance to the fact that she had been lying low while the maverick John McCain and his advisers opened the compartment door in her back and re-programmed the Alaska governor … but the Katie Couric debacle debunked that theory.  All Palin had to do was say she read the [insert city here] Times fer chrissakes! 

Here’s how the debate went down … you be the judge on who won. I just want to know who decided to let Queen Latifah moderate.

Tags: debate, Joe Biden, Katie Couric, Sarah Palin