Kill ‘Em All

Black Friday: A picture is worth a thousand metal lyrics

Friday, March 13th, 2009 | musiX | 3 Comments

Metal can be summed up in one simple sentence: Dungeons and Dragons meets smut mag meets horror flick meets Marvel Comics. Of course, the music touched on most of these manly topics, but it was the album covers that drew pubescent boys into the seedy underbelly of heavy metal. And back when records ruled, you could get lost staring at the cover image.

It’s a topic that’s no doubt been endlessly written about. Since it’s Black Friday here at The Days of Lore as well as Friday the 13th, I’ve decided to make my own list of worthy heavy metal album covers. Click the covers to see a larger image, at your own risk, of course.

Vulgar Display of Power - Pantera (1992) According to metal lore, it took some 30 takes to capture this photo of Pantera vocalist Phil Anselmo socking a fan in the face. The volunteer was apparently paid $10 per punch. Well. One fan’s stupidity led to one of the best metal album covers ever … and a far cry from Pantera’s early years. I’m very happy to say I’ve only been on the receiving end of a Phil Anselmo hug.

Kill ‘Em All - Metallica (1983) The stark and eerie image is still one of my favorites. The cover of Metallica’s debut leaves a lot to the imagination, unlike the original concept for the original title, Metal Up Your Ass, which had this cover. About as subtle as … well, a large dagger up your ass. The idea for the Kill ‘Em All cover came from late bassist Cliff Burton—sort of sums up the fact that when he died, so did a lot of Metallica’s coolness.

Destroyer - KISS (1976) It would be silly not to include a KISS album. The band was ready-made for the visual aspect of metal. The Destroyer cover was painted by fantasy artist Ken Kelly, who studied under another well-known fantasy artist Frank Frazetta. Kelly also did covers for Conan the Barbarian comics as well as album covers for Manowar, Rainbow and later on Coheed and Cambria. He also painted KISS’ Love Gun album cover. Yes, with this cover the members of KISS remain forever young, even as they continue to tour as old farts in makeup and Spandex.

The Number of the Beast - Iron Maiden (1982) I remember seeing a poster of this and staring as long as I could without people thinking I was weird. I was 10. It scared me. And I wanted to own it. Derek Riggs created the famous Eddie mascot, who has appeared in one form or another on every Maiden album. The Number of the Beast was the band’s third album and first with vocalist Bruce Dickinson. The recording process was filled with bizarre occurrences, including a car accident involving producer Martin Birch and a “religious nutter.” Total damage to his car: £666.66.

Anthology - Manowar (1997) Umm … it’s Manowar. My guess is that the members didn’t have a lot of money for clothing at this juncture in their career. No? They were really proud of their workout routines? Wait, I got it. According to Norse mythology, real Vikings used baby oil.

Sabbath Bloody Sabbath - Black Sabbath (1973) This is a bit creepy. Consider it came out in 1973, and it’s fucking frightening. Artist Drew Struzan, a Portland, Ore. native, also did album covers for some other noteworthy satanic musicians including the Beach Boys, Liberace and Glenn Miller. He’s also done hundreds of movie posters, and became a favorite of Spielberg and Lucas as he created the images for E.T., Back to the Future and all of the Star Wars and Indiana Jones films. Wholesome family entertainment, just like Satan and Black Sabbath.

The Wretched Spawn - Cannibal Corpse (2004) I worked at a record store when Cannibal Corpse got its start with savory albums like Tomb of the Mutilated and Eaten Back to Life. I remember thinking they were pretty ridiculous. Well, those crazy kids really outdid themselves with The Wretched Spawn—little demonic things crawling out of other things all in the name of good ol’-fashioned heavy metal shock value. Comic book artist Vince Locke water-colored the cover, and actually had his tattoo-artist bro ink another CC album cover called Butchered at Birth on to his skin. Cannibal Corpse: Bringing families closer.

Lovehunter - Whitesnake (1979) Really? So ridiculous that it’s actually great. So great, in fact, that I’m going to have my non-tattoo artist brother ink this on to my face.

Overkill - Motörhead (1979) Just a classic. Joe Petagno created Snaggletooth B. Motörhead, the fanged menace that appeared on all but two of the band’s 19 albums. Petagno said he researched a number of skull types and ended up with some sort of gorilla-wolf-dog combination with over-sized boar horns. It’s as metal as Lemmy … and Lemmy is pretty fucking metal.

Betty - Helmet (1994) I’ve always loved the contrast between the sludgy riffs contained within and the squeaky-clean cover. It looks like a scene from a Leave It to Beaver episode. The cover was no doubt the ’90s’ answer to the excesses of ’70s and ’80s metal. Yes, it’s unlikely we will ever see another album cover dipicting a naked woman writhing in ecstasy atop a giant demonic serpent again. And that’s just sad.

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Black Friday: Slayer vs. Metallica

Friday, December 26th, 2008 | musiX | 17 Comments

This sounds like a no-brainer: Slayer slays Metallica for its latter-day sins, and drags its lifeless corpse back to a dark cave with the rest of the sell-outs.

I always thought it would be interesting to set these two metal titans loose on each other. It’s been written about before, but done very half-assed, usually summed up in one over-simplified conclusion: Metallica are pussies and Slayer fucking rules. Well, not so fast, my fine feathered-haired friend …

First, a little background. There are some interesting parallels in the bands’ careers. Both formed in 1981 in Southern California (Metallica, of course, later relocated to the Bay Area), and drew their influence from British metal bands like Venom, Judas Priest and Iron Maiden. Both bands were given their first breaks by founder and owner of Metal Blade Records Brian Slagel, who put them on his Metal Massacre compilations (Metallica on Metal Massacre I, Slayer on III). Metallica and Slayer released their debut records in 1983—Kill ‘Em All and Show No Mercy, respectively. They are both considered part of the “Big Four of Thrash” along with Anthrax and Megadeth. Both bands have a median age of 44. In their respective 28-year careers, both bands have had similar output—Slayer has released 10 albums; Metallica, nine. Both have had records produced by Rick Rubin. The majority of their songs touch on war and death and insanity—with very metallic titles like “No Remorse,” “Criminally Insane,” “Disposable Heroes” and “Expendable Youth.” Guess who wrote which.

So why is Slayer still a critically lauded metal band that can do no wrong in the eyes of its crazed devotees, while Metallica has been relegated to “They were once great, but started sucking ass in the early ’90s” status? That’s easy. Because Metallica was once great, but started sucking ass in the early ’90s. Oh … then there was the whole Napster debacle. Um … and we got to watch in disbelief as the members underwent $40,000-a-week therapy sessions, thus emerging as raging primadonnas in 2004’s Some Kind of Monster. Right.

BUT. There’s always a but. Take Slayer and Metallica’s best records—arguably Reign In Blood and Master of Puppets, respectively—and there’s no contest. Don’t get me wrong, Reign In Blood is a great record that deserves all the accolades it receives, but Master of Puppets is a flawless and deadly combination of musicianship, anger, production, speed and, above all else, the songs are just better. Stand those records side by side and Metallica slays Slayer. Match up their second-best: Metallica’s … And Justice For All and Slayer’s Seasons In the Abyss, and Metallica emerges again. Debuts? Kill ‘Em All is a raw slab of punk rock … kills Show No Mercy dead.

Yes, Metallica cheesed out in the ’90s. In a big way. But let me say this: Dr. Dre was also involved in the Napster lawsuit, but hasn’t caught nearly as much shit as Lars Ulrich. And Load and ReLoad were torpid and mediocre hard-rock records with stagnant production. Then again, Slayer hasn’t changed one bit, essentially rewriting the same riff hundreds of times over, while adopting a pretty predictable insert serial killer/Nazi war criminal name here lyrical template. There’s something to be said for evolving—although in the world of metal, the theory of evolution is as absurd as Intelligent Design is in real life.

Now it’s almost 2009(?!), which means the members of Metallica and Slayer are ancient in metal years. Do both bands still bring it? Of-goddamn-course. Does that mean they’re good? Meh. Metallica released Death Magnetic this year, a return to its former self, and made an eerie video for “All Nightmare Long” about a Soviet experiment gone wrong. The speed and the eight-minute, multi-part songs are back, but it could never be as good as Master of Puppets or … And Justice For All. And Slayer is set to release an as-yet-to-be-titled album in 2009 (I’m sure the title will include one of the following words: “death,” “God,” “die” or “Christ”), and it will sound exactly like Reign In Blood and Seasons In the Abyss, which, in itself, is impressive. But why not just listen to Reign In Blood and Seasons In the Abyss?

Now if you’ve read this far, you a) still give two squirts about these bands, b) are waxing nostalgic on your awkward teenage years, or c) were just morbidly curious as to how this death match would end. Well, the end is here. And both bands are still standing, for better or worse. So how can we settle this? Well, the album title Kill ‘Em All sort of set the stage early on for Metallica (good thing they didn’t go with the original title, Metal Up Your Ass). Guess we’ll just have to see what the fun-lovin’ fellas in Slayer come up with next year. There. I just wrote 800 words about Metallica and Slayer, and it wasn’t half-assed … perhaps three-quarters-assed.

“Psychopathy Red” - Slayer (unreleased, from the forthcoming record)

Video for “All Nightmare Long” from Metallica’s Death Magnetic

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