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Politicking

Sanders Announces Running Mate

Sanders and Furnier at a recent press conference in Frankfort.

FRANKFORT, Kentucky–Colonel Sanders (L-Ky.) has finally announced his running mate for the contentious upcoming 2020 presidential election. In a The Days of Lore exclusive, we’ve discovered that Vincent Furnier (R-Ariz.) accepted the offer several days ago, ending months of speculation.

The fried chicken mogul’s decision to go with the occasionally headless Furnier reflects a strategic move to solidify his message of delivering a more theatrical approach to chicken harvesting, as evidenced by Furnier’s unhinged performance at the Toronto Rock ‘n’ Roll Revival Festival. The theatrical treatment of animals has emerged as a key issue among the colonel’s base.

His more radical constituents have condemned Sanders for using untheatrical slaughterhouse practices, which include birds being scalded to death in the defeathering process. The colonel addressed the claim late last year at a press conference, saying, “Those dirty birds need to ‘Feel the Bern.'”

Categories
Politicking

Thoughts and Prayers

I’m not one to wish ill on anyone–I’m probably empathetic to a fault. But yesterday when I heard that the racist who for decades has made fun of people with chronic diseases, gays, women, or anyone who doesn’t share his “values,” all the while profiting off baseless fear-mongering that has corroded the brains of thinking Americans, and contributed to the modern age of “alternative facts” and “fake news,” as well as the election of a racist president who routinely attacks legitimate news outlets and who just awarded this same poisonous human the nation’s highest civilian honor, was diagnosed with late-stage lung cancer, my immediate thought was, “Fuck him.”

The End