Stupor Tuesday

How is it we’ve come to the conclusion that Biden and Trump are the best options for this country?
A sad ass.

We’re fucked. And I don’t necessarily mean because Joe Biden picked up more delegates than Bernie Sanders on Tuesday. I mean, yeah…that’s not good. At all. But this country is in a bad way right now.

When the racist, incompetent, ignorant and deceitful sphincter-mouthed sociopath currently in office won in 2016, the first word that came to mind was “education.” That’s a very oversimplified conclusion to how Donald Trump–Donald-fucking-Trump–became president of the United States of America, and I’m not saying everyone needs to go to college. But I felt, and still feel, that a lack of critical thinking among the electorate has been a major factor in getting us to this point. It doesn’t help that voters are duped at every turn. Or that certain segments of the population are suppressed. It’s a recipe for whatever you want to call what’s currently happening.

And for some ungodly reason, we haven’t learned anything from 2016. Like, we still can’t even get behind the idea of a woman as president (in 20-goddamn-20!), which I’m convinced is the reason why Elizabeth Warren–the most qualified candidate in this current field–has had such a miserable showing. Simultaneously the DNC continues to play games and create more distrust and apathy among voters. That those running still refuse to talk about the environment is just another wilted cherry on this turd sundae.

This is not over. But the growing emergence of Joe Biden–a man with dementia and no policy–and Donald Trump–a man with dementia and no penis–as the most suitable choices to lead the people of this country is a dire spot to be in. We’re stupid. We’re ignorant. And, worse yet, we’re complacent (why aren’t there protests every weekend?). I naively used to have faith in humanity, but this feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Coronavirus, take us away.


Sanders Announces Running Mate

Sanders and Furnier at a recent press conference in Frankfort.

FRANKFORT, Kentucky–Colonel Sanders (L-Ky.) has finally announced his running mate for the contentious upcoming 2020 presidential election. In a The Days of Lore exclusive, we’ve discovered that Vincent Furnier (R-Ariz.) accepted the offer several days ago, ending months of speculation.

The fried chicken mogul’s decision to go with the occasionally headless Furnier reflects a strategic move to solidify his message of delivering a more theatrical approach to chicken harvesting, as evidenced by Furnier’s unhinged performance at the Toronto Rock ‘n’ Roll Revival Festival. The theatrical treatment of animals has emerged as a key issue among the colonel’s base.

His more radical constituents have condemned Sanders for using untheatrical slaughterhouse practices, which include birds being scalded to death in the defeathering process. The colonel addressed the claim late last year at a press conference, saying, “Those dirty birds need to ‘Feel the Bern.'”


Thoughts and Prayers

I’m not one to wish ill on anyone–I’m probably empathetic to a fault. But yesterday when I heard that the racist who for decades has made fun of women, gays, people with chronic diseases, or anyone who doesn’t share his “values,” all the while profiting off baseless fear-mongering that has corroded the brains of thinking Americans, and contributed to the modern age of “alternative facts” and “fake news,” as well as the election of a racist president who routinely attacks legitimate news outlets and who just awarded this same poisonous human the nation’s highest civilian honor, was diagnosed with late-stage lung cancer, my immediate thought was, “Fuck him.”

The End