FRANKFORT, Kentucky–Colonel Sanders (L-Ky.) has finally announced his running mate for the contentious upcoming 2020 presidential election. In a The Days of Lore exclusive, we’ve discovered that Vincent Furnier (R-Ariz.) accepted the offer several days ago, ending months of speculation.
The fried chicken mogul’s decision to go with the occasionally headless Furnier reflects a strategic move to solidify his message of delivering a more theatrical approach to chicken harvesting, as evidenced by Furnier’s unhinged performance at the Toronto Rock ‘n’ Roll Revival Festival. The theatrical treatment of animals has emerged as a key issue among the colonel’s base.
His more radical constituents have condemned Sanders for using untheatrical slaughterhouse practices, which include birds being scalded to death in the defeathering process. The colonel addressed the claim late last year at a press conference, saying, “Those dirty birds need to ‘Feel the Bern.'”